That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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