it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If I die, sorry about rent.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
