Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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