I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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