If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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