Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
