Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
