I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
