the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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