oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
