Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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