Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
