At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
