At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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