I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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