standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
