if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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