on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
