Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
