i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
