Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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