on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
