My underwear smells like fireworks.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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