There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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