My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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