How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
