i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
