I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The dick lei will go down in squad history
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
