overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
