I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
