Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
