my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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