How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
