Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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