Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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