Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
