i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
