Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
