I am midnight drunk by noon
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
