You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
