I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She needs sedatives and a leash
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
