nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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