im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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