Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
