She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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