God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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