: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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