shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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