to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
