Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
