College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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