Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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