i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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