somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
